The Saddest Thing

I don't know if I'm just numb this morning, confused, or if this is a revelation of sorts, but it's the saddest thing I've ever done. Not the saddest like pathetic, or even saddest just for me, but objectively.

I think I might be giving up on you.

Just yesterday, literally yesterday, I wrote something, a monologue about you.

"You think I'm a monster, you really do. And, in a sick way, it's hilarious, cause I was more a monster before I met you than I am now. I almost was one, with all the breakdowns, all the fighting, I chose not to be what others said I was. It's like a dark joke you shouldn't laugh at, but I have to, cause otherwise someone else laughs at you, and that's just painful, so I'm laughing at it.
A monster If I was a monster, I'd be trying to hurt you. Hurt you so bad. You don't know how much I could tell you, all I could say, to just break your fragile heart. But I'm not ballsy enough to be a monster. I can't bring myself to say those little things, like you being some horrible, heartless bitch, because even when I feel like yelling something like that, I cower at the thought of how it might hurt you and I'd scurry to try and do damage control.
Yknow what I really am? I'm a dog, just a dumb dog sitting on your porch, waiting for the girl I knew and loved to come back again. Because even when you yell at me, spray me with water, swat me and kick me, it's too late. I've already decided who you are, and I'm too attached to leave your porch. I'm too attached to be a monster. I try everything, I try to walk quietly, bark a little less, try and understand your language, cause I'm a dumb dog after all. I'm not able to be a monster.
But it never works. So here, if you think I'm a monster, if you think the second you touch me I'll bite you, if you think I won't stop coming back just to get hurt again, if you think I'm smart enough to really hurt you, to really give you an eye for an eye, here's what you can do. Tie me to pole, and tell me you'll come back someday. And I'll wait, and bargain with myself, say maybe you'll come back tomorrow, or sometime. And I'll believe it if you say it nice enough, cause I love you,  and I'll spend my life waiting for someone who'll never come, cause I'm just a stubborn, stupid dog."

But, at least today, if not tomorrow, and many days forward, I'm not your dog anymore. I sat out a night too many last night, at 2 AM on a couch, cold and alone. I was thinking about a girl, one who makes me happy when my medicine doesn't. Who I miss all the time.

And she wasn't you. I don't even know if that person, "you", exists anymore. I feel like I've been fantasizing about an old friend who ...

I stopped typing right there. I remembered your voice. I loved your voice. I joked about marrying it, not you, just your voice. Because it sounded so cute, so happy. It's like every thought hits me like it's own tiny little knife into my head. In all honestly, my biggest act of harming myself hasn't been what I've done physically, but what I've done in choosing to stay so long. I don't see that cute and happy girl anymore. Maybe she was pretending, or maybe she's cold in all the growing up. But in all honestly I think really just don't see her anymore.

And that's where I feel like the the distortion comes in, where I realize how easy it actually is for this toxic relationship I've formed with you has occured. You see what's in front of you, what your emotions feel, and not the whole picture. It changed in a night of thinking, yesterday I was waiting as patiently as I'd ever been, and then I thought I was giving up on you, and now I don't know what it is. I feel more like I've given in than given up. I haven't decided you're gone, but you feel as if you're dead still. I don't know if you are, I don't know if the girl I'm waiting for still exists to come back. She's more distant just today than she ever was.

And yet, I almost feel, maybe waiting at your door, I might have practically watched you go. I don't remember you so jaded. and I feel sad for me, for you. I feel like something beautiful has ran away a second time, like that part you keep in you goes away.

It's like love dying, the saddest thing. And yet, it's surprisingly not all that painful, it's almost like letting go of a ghost you're waiting for, almost like closure. The saddest closure you could think of. How easy it is, that's the saddest part, there's no tears, no throbbing pain in me, you're just gone, far away, and I can't feel your ghost around anymore.

If you're still there, waiting for me, in the depths of you, you need to listen to this. I'm not waiting at your doorstep anymore. If you see me outside your window, it's just my curiosity stopping by on a walk, I think. Just, if you're there, don't die on me, because, I think that's when it actually might start to really hurt.

That's when I'll have less than a ghost left. I'll only have a withered husk, a bittersweet memory. And that'd be the saddest thing.